Christmas card writing

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Every year, you plan to have your hilarious, yet festive, Christmas cards all written and sent out at the start of December, like a proper grown-up. But that never happens. It’s two days before Christmas Eve and you’ve just run out of wrapping paper again, plus you don’t have enough stamps to send cards to everyone – you’re going to have to prioritise!

But, do you really want to just write a detached:
To Karen
Merry Christmas,

To make it sound like you give even the slimmest of shits, I’ve come up with some Christmas messages that you can plagiarise, claim as your own, and make people think you’re really* funny … you’re guaranteed to get loads of Christmas party invites.
Voila! My gift to you!

*not really

Try a simple Christmas poem based on a traditional one:
Christmas is coming
The goose is getting fat
But it won’t get delivered
Cos Brexit is a twat

And if you’re in the 52%, don’t worry – there’s something for you too:
Christmas is coming
The goose is getting fat
But it’s got nowt to fear –
The place is riddled with bloody vegans!

OK, I’m no Byron, but it gives you a starting point. And I’ll tell you what – I’ll come back and write down any more I think of …
In the meantime, remember back to the excitement of when you were a kid, when Christmas didn’t mean debt, anxiety and alcoholism.
Merry Christmas!